Silver Angel
by bluetwenty
Summary: Rated M for safety preface HE left, HE'S gone, that's all I could think about was HIM HIM HIM, and what HE did to me. That's all I can think about everything else is void in my mind. Charlie comes and checks on me but all I do is sit on my bed and stare at the wall. I won't
1. Preface

_ preface _

You told me to move on, where do I go from here ? You took everything I have nothing. I loved you and I still love you. - Unknown

HE left, HE'S gone, that's all I could think about was HIM HIM HIM, and what HE did to me. That's all I can think about everything else is void in my mind. Charlie comes and checks on me but all I do is sit on my bed and stare at the wall. I won't eat, more like I can't eat, and when I try to sleep I have nightmares so I just sit, and stare, and perish. I don't have the heart to do anything else.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pain, without love

Pain, can't get enough

Pain,I like it rough

Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.

-Pain-Three Days Grace-

Charlie tries his hardest to get me to do something but I just won't. He doesn't understand my pain, he thinks its like what he went through but it's not, it's a thousand times worse. I can't do anything because of the pain. It's all like an out of body experience. Just with pain and hurt and, and death. That's exactly what it's like, it's like someone died except they didn't, they chose to leave making it that much worse.

I can't eat because I just don't want to, I don't feel hunger or life really. I have no one, and no one has me. I am truly and utterly alone. And I don't like it, I'm sure no one does but I can't do anything about it, any time I try I'm overwhelmed by thoughts of HIM. HE'S just everywhere. Every place, every touch, every smell is filled with HIM. Not that I would want that to go away, I don't want to forget. Forgetting would mean it didn't happen and that's not an option.

I was brought out of my thoughts by Charlie coming to check up on me again.

"Bells, you can't do this anymore"

"Do what, I haven't done anything" I replied

Charlie gave me a pointed look and said "Exactly, that's what I'm worried about, you do nothing but mope around all day and its killing me to watch and that's just the thing, I'm not going to watch it anymore."

"What is that supposed to mean"

"Bella it's not healthy, the way your acting and I'm worried"

I knew it wasn't healthy but when all of you is ripped out and taken from you how healthy do you expect me to be.

"Dad you can't expect me to be skipping around singing show tunes and preaching how the world is good."

Charlie sighed

"No Bella I don't but this isn't going to cut it anymore. If this continues I'm sending you to Florida with your mother."

"Dad, I'm technically a legal adult, you can't force me to go anywhere."

Charlie grumbled and started to walk out.

"No I can't but Bella I'm not apart of this anymore, he's not coming back bells"

"I know"

And then he left.

What did he mean he wasn't apart of this anymore, it doesn't matter I guess I'll find out soon enough.

The next day Charlie didn't come and check on me when I screamed from my nightmare, he just ignored it. When he left to go to work he didn't say good bye to me. At dinner he never spoke a word, and it hurt, did he not care anymore or is he just giving up on me. The thought hurt more than I thought it would. Am I not good enough for anyone, am I unloveable, just a burden. Well he wouldn't be the first one to think that. Then the pain comes back again worse than before if that is even possible.

I thought watching you leave was hard, but knowing you weren't coming back was harder.

-unknown


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2-

I still hear your voice when you sleep next to me,  
I still feel your touch in my dreams.  
Forgive me my weakness but I don't know why,  
Without you it's hard to survive.  
-Everytime We Touch-Cascada-

3 days later

Charlie hasn't said a single word to me since he came and talked to me in my room. I'm starting to really worry and this just confirms my suspicion , I really am not good enough for anyone. Maybe I should just leave.

Time to go eat, or as I call it sit and state at food. It's like a challenge to try and move my food around to make it look like I ate something. One I do three times a day. Charlie still notices I think but he doesn't say anything, it's usual now. He's not home as often, I think he takes double shifts so he doesn't have to be around me. I do nothing anyway.

"Dad I'm going outside"

He didn't even acknowledge me so I walk out anyway.

It was the first time I've been outside since... HE left. Once I get outside I kinda stand there like I'm lost because I don't really know why I came out, I just did. I guess I couldn't take Charlie just sitting there staring at me from the corner of his eye when he thinks I'm not looking. It's makes me conscious of myself , like he sees right through me and my attempts, or like I'm not there. Maybe that's how he wants it.

I realize that the sun is setting and I'm on the pathway that leads into the forest just away from the house. It's twilight, here it comes again. I rush back inside to the safety of my bed where I can breakdown again.

My nightmare caused me to not be able to sleep all night, usually I don't scream until its all most time to get up, but this time it came sooner. I looked over at the clock and it was only 2:00am. What am I supposed to do for four hours? The only thing I can think of is to just sit and wait because if I try to go to sleep again all I can do is think of HIM and how he used to lay here with me.

Then something weird happened. I heard something.

The most painful thing isn't to be alone, but to be forgotten by someone you can't forget.  
-unknown


	4. Chapter 3

WARNING THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS ATTEMPTED SUICIDE BUT NOTHING HAPPENS IF YOU CAN'T HANDEL THOSE TYPES OF SITUATIONS I SUGGEST YOU STOP HERE !

Chapter 3

I cannot take this anymore,  
Saying everything I've said before.  
All these words they make no sense, I found bliss in ignorance  
The less I hear, the less you say.  
You'll find that out anyway.  
- One Step Closer- Linkin Park

No not just something, a voice, HIS voice, and it was telling me to try and move on. WHAT how can he think that I could just move on. Is he crazy or insane. Then I realize that I'm the one talking to myself. I'm the insane one obsessing over someone who's not here or ever coming back. It's funny really, when stuff is finally falling into place it all just crashes and burns.

That's when I decided to take myself out of the picture because I can't live without HIM, HE was my everything, HE still is. He's taken almost all of me, why don't I just give him the rest and save everyone the trouble.

I went to the medicine cabinet to see if we still had the pills from last spring when I was in the hospital but there weren't any. Charlie must have taken them out or gotten rid of them.

"Bella stop!"

And then I froze.

Again ? Why. Was it the danger factor? No because the first time I heard it i was in my bed, or was there danger then to.

I didn't have time to dwell on it I was on a mission. Then I went down stairs and searched for a knife. When I got to the drawer it was locked. See ever since it happened I haven't been doing any of the cooking or cleaning or anything so Charlie had to take back over. He must be more worried than I thought. Smart man. I then went to get into my truck but then I realize he's still asleep and the noise would wake him up. I could wait until he leaves for work and then go. Yes that's the plan.

5 hours later

As Charlie was leaving he stopped and said something to me for the first time in days. It was one of the worst possible things I could hear.

"Bells I'm sending Jake over to spend the day, I'm not the only one worried about you. Billy is too and Jake's on brake, some Quileute holiday or something but anyways Jake's coming over and I want you to spend some time with him. Get out of your little bubble and do something."

I groaned

"Bella I know you don't want to but you need a friend cause I know you don't always want to tell your old man things, besides Jakes not that bad."

It wouldn't have been so bad, good even had I not already decided that I didn't want to get better, I wanted to die. Why are the odds always against me and what am I going to do with Jakob?

1/2 hour later

*knock knock knock*

"Coming" I said and I answered the door, shocker it was Jake.

"Hey Bells, whats up."

"Not much."

"I see, well what do you want to do you got me for the whole day."

"That just sounds wrong, Charlie's going overboard with this."

"He's just worried about you, we all are."

"Great so now I'm basically a charity case for the community."

This wasn't the first time someone was 'just trying to help' Mrs. Webber brought dinner one time and Sue Clearwater another. Which is backwards considering what she's going through. Harry was recently given only about 6 months to live because of a heart condition.

"That's not what I meant Bella."

"Well what did you mean because that's what it looks and feels like."

"Charlie's going to be mad at me, I was supposed to give you a fun day."

"Jake that's not your job but we can go do something if you want."

"Ok awesome, we can go to the beach."

The way he said it, it was like he was asking me if that was alright."

"The beach sounds great."

I can fake a smile, I can pretend to be happy, I can do a lot of things, but I can't pretend I don't love you...  
-unknown


End file.
